The Ayers House Incident

 There is a famous restaurant in Adelaide called Ayers House. Today, it's very different than it was in the '70's. In those days it was OK to smoke in a restaurant, but Ayres House was much more than that. You had to book several days in advance. 

Upon arrival, you were greeted with a glass of real champagne and a woman was also presented with a perfect single rose. When you were seated, there was a glossy, black book of matches, with you name printed in silver, sitting in the middle of your table. There was a separate waiter for every course and another with a choice of the finest quality cigars after the dessert..

Are you getting the picture? Was it expensive? Bet your booty, it was. Was it worth it? Yep, every cent.

I'll get back to Ayers House later. Let's rewind a few months.

As I have mentioned earlier, my mate and I thrived in playing practical jokes on each other. One particular Wednesday, we were having a quick business meeting in a small seafood restaurant. Yep, we had few small partnership ventures, too.

We were the only customers in the restaurant, at the time. The very gay waiter took an immediate shine to my mate, touching him on the shoulder and asking if he needed anything else on repeated occasions, while totally ignoring me. And, no I wasn't remotely jealous. Trust me on that. However, I did see the opportunity for a great practical joke.

During lunch, I got up to go to the toilet. On my way back to the table, I handed the waiter one of my mate's business cards, quietly telling him that my mate really fancied him and to phone him at home. I also told him that my mate was very shy and that he should be persistent with his calls, Later, I called his wife and told her what I'd done. She thought it was hilarious and promised to go along with the prank.

The poor, lovestruck waiter drove my mate crazy for a couple of months before he gave up, phoning him several times a day. My mate's wife finally gave me up and, once again, I was threatened with revenge. Yeah, yeah, what's new?

A short time later, I had been introduced to a very beautiful lady at a party. This person was a professional singer who I had admired for years. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out for dinner at Ayers House and she accepted. Yep, I was out to impress.

I was over the moon about my upcoming date and couldn't help bragging about it to my mate at our regular Friday lunch, not realising what a stupid thing that was to do, particularly so soon after the gay waiter thing.

The eventful day arrived and my date was suitably impressed with the Ayers House venue and, better still, we were getting on really well. I couldn't have been happier.

About halfway through the main course there was a commotion in the restaurant's foyer. A very large, loud, indigenous Australian woman, dressed in grubby clothes was demanding to come in. My date and I tried to ignore the scene and continued with our dinner.

The woman at the door finally burst into the room, ran straight over to me, grabbed me by the shirt and screamed, "Come home, you bastard. Your dinner's on the table and the kids are waiting for you!". With that, she stormed out of the restaurant.

I was absolutely stunned. The restaurant was deathly silent. My date ran outside in tears and the management asked me to leave. All the way home, I was literally in shock, not to mention totally embarrassed. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before.

By the time I goy home, I had calmed down a little and I suddenly realised that I had been revenge pranked. I was furious! I grabbed the phone, ready to hurl foul abuse at my, so called, mate. Obviously, he was expecting my call and all I could hear from his end was roaring laughter. Game, set, match.

I turned out that the woman who burst into the restaurant was an actress that he had hired and, what's worse, the Ayres House management were in on it. Needless to say, I never saw my date again.